Dear Universe, Are You Trying To Tell Me Something?
by EmmaShalforever
Summary: Emma Swan is pretty sure that someone is trying really hard to tell her something. Maybe it's time she listen. Sort of SwanQueen, sort of humor.


Disclaimer: I own nothing and make no profit.

AN: This was supposed to be total crack, but I'm starting to think I'm incapable of writing anything that doesn't touch on the serious. Set sometime in the beginning of 3B of Once Upon A Time.

Also, a thank you to **yoanagf **for betaing to catch any possible big mistakes I make when I give up re-reading.

* * *

"This is getting fucking ridiculous," Emma proclaims as soon as the door opens and she stumbles, having been leaning against it for support.

"Miss Swan?" Regina asks in confusion as the blonde manages to right herself. And then she frowns at the slightly glazed over look in green eyes. "Are you drunk?"

Emma gives her a sardonic look as she straightens herself to her full height before striding through the door without an invitation. "Not drunk, just tipsy. I sort of wish I was shit-faced though, could really use it right now." She mumbles while making her way over to the decanter of apple cider Regina always has available.

"Miss Swan!" The brunette exclaims, closing the door quickly and stalking after her, anger and frustration quickly rising to the surface at the gall of the other woman. Emma thinks she can just intrude and make herself at home whenever she so desires? That is unacceptable. Regina opens her mouth to say as much, but one look from the blonde as she lifts the glass to her lips and downs the whole thing like it's water, and she reconsiders. Clearly, there's something bigger at play here than just trying to irk her and test her patience.

"Why are you here, Miss Swan?"

Emma purses her lips and draws her brows together in displeasure. "That's the third time you've called me that in less than two minutes. I thought we were past that." Regina merely arches her brows and folds her arms under her breasts to show she's not impressed and Emma's lips quirk upwards in amusement at the display. Then she grows serious as she remembers why she's there in the first place and a heavy sigh leaves her pink lips.

"I don't know, Regina. I guess I just needed to get away for a while," she offers before releasing a bark of laughter that makes her sound half mad. It's kinda ironic that her idea of trying to hide away involves 'the Evil Queen.' Who would've thought?

"Away from what?" the brunette asks warily. She has way too much on her plate already and isn't sure she has the strength for any more unpleasant surprises.

"From the universe."

Regina frowns as the blonde turns to refill her glass. "I don't know what that means," she informs Emma, briefly entertaining the idea that the woman has completely lost her mind. It wouldn't be too far a stretch.

"I didn't either, at first."

"Miss Sw- Emma, what are you going on about?" Regina finally demands, her patience worn out. It's late and she should be working on trying to get her son's memories back. Or defeating Zelena. Or drowning her sorrows, but she refuses to acknowledge that one.

Emma downs her second glass before eyeing the brunette closely. "Have you ever felt like the universe – fate, destiny or whatever – is trying really hard to tell you something? Like, _really _hard?"

"No," Regina replies with feigned indifference, not liking the look Emma gives her; like she knows it's a lie. "And what exactly is it the universe is trying to tell you, dear?" she questions somewhat sarcastically in an effort to draw the attention away from herself.

Emma releases a heavy sigh as she carefully sets down her used glass. "It's telling me to stay away from men."

An involuntary sound of surprise bubbles up from Regina's throat at the wholly unexpected words. It's a good thing Emma is lacking in manners and didn't offer her a drink of her own or she'd no doubt be choking on it right now. The blonde simply rolls her eyes at the reaction before plowing onwards.

"Every time I get involved with a guy, it ends in disaster."

Regina doesn't understand why Emma is talking to _her_ about this. They've never been close enough to talk about failed relationships. It must be the alcohol talking. Or magic. Maybe she's been cursed. "I'm sure you're just overreacting," she offers, hoping to appease the woman that's clearly not in a right state of mind.

Emma snorts before telling her, "I'm really not."

"Well, what's the alternative? Staying alone for the rest of your life?" Regina snaps irritably. She's doing a bad job of concealing her exasperation, but the topic is way too close for comfort. And besides, there's no way the blonde would be sharing something so private if she was sober. It's just not what they _do_.

Emma looks over at her, confused for a moment, before offering an amused laugh. "What, no. It just means I need to try my hand at the fairer sex."

"Excuse me?" Regina spits out as her eyes widen at what just came out of the blonde's mouth. Surely she didn't mean for that to sound the way it did?

"What? You have something against gay people?" Emma shoots her a thoroughly unimpressed and disappointed look and the brunette bristles under the scrutiny.

"Of course not," she defends quickly. "People can't choose who they fall in love with and it shouldn't matter what gender you are. I just wasn't aware that you…well…" Regina trails off, clearly flustered. She glares when the blonde smirks at her obvious discomfort.

"What makes you so sure then?" she asks nonchalantly, "that the universe is trying to tell you something?"

Emma's amusement disappears as her face grows suddenly somber. "If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone."

Regina inspects her nails as if her interest isn't really piqued. "Who'd want to listen to the Evil Queen anyway?" she finally offers with a sardonic upturn of her lips.

The blonde frowns at the title, clearly not amused. The mayor half expects – maybe even hopes just a little – for Emma to refute her words. She doesn't of course because they're in two different head-spaces at the moment. Not that she'd be likely to do it even if she was completely clear-headed, Regina reminds herself quickly.

"And don't even think about making fun of me," Emma adds with a glare and a pointed finger. The whole demeanor is so utterly childish that Regina barely refrains from laughing. Emma may claim she isn't drunk, but she sure as hell isn't sober.

"Please, dear, I'm simply _dying_ to know how the universe is trying to tell you that you should be with a _woman_," the mayor offers, her voice dripping with sarcasm and mockery.

For a moment the blonde looks almost shy as she purses her lips like she wants to interject, only to apparently change her mind and release a deep sigh instead.

"It always ends in disaster whenever I try with men."

Regina sends a teasing smile Emma's way. "You make it sound as if they aren't the only gender you've tried."

"Would it be so surprising if they weren't?" the blonde offers with a shrug.

"Oh," Regina replies breathlessly, the only response she can muster to this new development. If the idea that Emma Swan had ever branched out and experimented had crossed her mind, well, she'd instantly thrown it away. It hadn't really been relevant. Right?

"Anyway, where was I?"

The brunette clears her throat softly. "I believe you were going to tell me how all your relationships always fail?" Emma nods her head.

"So, Neal sent me to prison, pregnant, and broke my heart." Regina grimaces at the mention of her son's father. She can't really disagree with the sheriff's assessment on that one.

"Andrew was screwing as many women as he could behind my back." The brunette wrinkles her nose in disgust. Why men can never seem to be satisfied with one partner she'll never understand. And it's not like Emma isn't attractive. She has the blonde locks and the pale skin and the flat stomach and the toned arms and…she does not need to think about that.

"Olivier turned out to be a violent jerk." Her eyes widen at the implied abuse. The blonde has never seemed like the type to allow anyone to mistreat her. But she shouldn't make assumptions when she doesn't know the whole story.

"And then Walsh turned out to be a goddamn flying monkey or whatever."

"Wait, hold on," Regina exclaims, effectively stopping Emma's rant. "You dated a _flying monkey_?"

"We did a lot more than that," Emma offers with a shudder, both their faces scrunching up in shared disgust.

"I can see your point. But how do you know that women will be different?"

Regina eyes the blonde with interest as she grows suddenly bashful.

"Well, hopefully it will be just the one woman."

The brunette gapes at her in surprise. "You…you already have someone in your sights?" She really shouldn't be encouraging the sheriff to reveal something so personal when it's clear she's not in a right state of mind. Sober Emma would _never_ give away anything that could be used against her. But she's curious, damn it.

Emma shuffles her feet and fiddles with the hem of her red leather jacket. "Well, to tell you the truth she's been on my mind for quite some time."

Regina is struck with the sudden urge to have a drink of her own. "I see," she offers as she walks over to the tumbler of apple cider - purposefully ignoring the way the blonde freeze when she gets near - and pours a glass. She watches the liquid swirl around for a moment as she gathers her emotions.

"Do I assume correctly when I ask if it's a certain waitress?" Shocked green eyes meet her own.

"Ruby?" Emma laughs loudly, that slightly manic tinge to it reappearing again before she shakes her head. "No. I mean, she's beautiful and I'm pretty sure she'd be open to it, but just no. She's my friend."

Regina frowns. It doesn't make any sense if it isn't her. Who else has Emma spent any considerable amount of time with? And so she tells her just that, watching in confusion as the blonde grows suddenly somber and shy again.

"There is someone else I've spent quite a lot of time with."

Dark pools stare at her blankly for a long moment before narrowing dangerously.

"Miss Swan, if you're standing there telling me that you want to be with your _mother_ so help me I will-"

"What? Oh my God, Regina, are you out of your mind? NO!" Emma shrieks, ignoring her very brief urge to gag. The brunette eyes her dubiously.

"Then please enlighten me, _Emma_. Because in all the time you've spent here, I've only ever seen you with Snow, or in the diner or with Henry and-" She stops abruptly as she realizes what she had just thought. The guilty look on the blonde's face when she looks at her for confirmation tells her everything she needs to know and her eyes narrow dangerously.

"Is this a joke?" she growls as she stretches to her full height to appear more intimidating. "If this is your idea of a prank or some way to have a laugh at my expense-"

Emma groans at the fury radiating from Regina. "This is serious; I'm not trying to fuck with you, okay?"

Regina stares hard at her. Emma stares right back. And then, slowly, a smirk starts creeping up the brunette's lips, making the other woman swallow in slight trepidation. There's no way anything good can come from that look. It's the one Regina gets when she's just learned something she can use to her advantage.

"You promised not to make fun of me," she tries meekly as Regina's lips draw into a full blown grin. Coming here is without a doubt one of the worst ideas she's had in a while.

"I never agreed to any such thing, dear," the brunette retorts, voice a register lower than usual and Emma has to force herself to ignore the tingles shooting down her spine at the sultry tone, telling herself that the woman is just playing with her; like a cat with a mouse.

"Okay, I'm going now," she declares, trying her best not to show her pout as she turns to flee and figure out how she can possibly ever regain her pride.

"The only place you're going is up those stairs," Regina husks, making Emma freeze mid-escape before throwing a confused look over her shoulder.

"What's upstairs?"

She barely remembers how to draw breath as Regina slides up against her side and purrs a single word into her ear. "Bedroom."


End file.
